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a dancer who doesn't dance.
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|07:19 pm] |
i lost your number. i never thought i would. i was convinced i'd always have feelings for you. you saved my life.
& left me stranded.
life brings the most amazing things.
i would have never pictured this.
you & i.
i'm so in love with you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|10:32 am] |
you can do anything you want.
you have to feel.
placebo effect. is real life.
you're making your own story & your thoughts whether conscious or unconscious play a huge part in your fate.
get a lifffeeeee. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|02:08 pm] |
you make me feel so dumb.
but the only person who can really affect my emotions is me. i make me feel dumb.
maybe i should have more self respect & not let shifty people make me feel bad.
fml. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|04:23 pm] |
lunch breakkk.
sharpie sleeve.
covered in hair & lost in thought.
i'm tired & annoyed.
sad & lost.
alone in my own world of resentment.
why do i keep tricking myself into love?
abercrombie ad, layn. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|10:16 am] |
i miss you.
you know that.
come over already.
thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2009|03:18 pm] |
why do I torture myself & only fall in love with people I can't have?
you were the closest thing to love & acceptance I've had.
you saved my heart.
you're still my hero.
I lost my ghost spirit anklet the last day of my trip.
one week. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2009|02:49 pm] |
i bought a ghost spirit anklet today to protect me while i'm in new mexico.
time to hike & adventure into the mountains without fear.
i'm never going home.
i'm beginning to feel lighter & my energy is becoming stronger.
why has it taken me months to feel the anger & accept myself.
you still make my heart beat. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
there's a reason you never forget.
& i don't.
i need to talk & feel you're energy.
come sit on my floor. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|03:49 am] |
i have red mermaid hair and ariel bangs.
a lot of makeup & so much to be happy about.
no love life.
i'm unloveable.
i'm tired.
i'm sad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|08:08 pm] |
i might have a tattoo inside my lip right now.
hella bitchin. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2009|03:02 pm] |
i am alone.
i am in bremerton.
i am thoughtful.
my life is kind of in shambles.
mostly because i made it that way.
it's time i pick up the pieces & figure out me.
i don't want anymore distractions. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|09:49 pm] |
I am that.
I've always lived for the fire, the heat, the excitement. Now that I'm calm and steady I want to seek the unknown. I need something. I'm restless.
I'm always moving, constantly in motion.
I've never felt this way before. Able to be open and loving but expecting nothing in return.
I love you for every part of you.
I'm learning to appreciate the bad and wrap myself in the good.
I want to go to India.
ham-sa |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|11:25 am] |
I wish I could write on my real blog but it never works with my iPod. Kind of annoying.
I'm so confused. I want to be able to figure everything out. I want to help everyone. Maybe this is why I have to be alone for awhile. I keep telling everyone I'm okay and that I know what I want, but I really don't. I have no idea. I've been through so much crap in the last two months I don't even know what's real anymore.
I've been shown the horror and hate inside the heart of the man I devoted myself to for years. I understand his inner struggle now and I feel for him. But what does that mean? I love him, yes. But I can't bring myself down that road again.
Then, there's this really incredible guy that I like, but he's not ready. Nor do I want to push him. Maybe it's the chase.
I'm seriously ridiculous. The sun is out and I am happy. Everyone in my life right now is amazing. And my bro got his cast off.
I love.
me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2009|05:04 pm] |
hanging out with esb this weekend.
deliciousssss. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|01:15 am] |
Havana. Four drinks in front of me. Water, beer and two whiskey to ginger's. Every drink tonight free. In the bar district, tenth and pike. I'm surrounded but I'm alone. A block away from where I want to be. A foot away from my soulmate. This girl knows everything in my heart because she feels it in her own.
Things did not turn out like my dream. I'm still alone.
In this bed I can barely close my eyes.
Tonight walking home I wish I had Autumn's taser knucks. I would have hit every douchy guy that talked to me. This city is cold. Unfriendly.
The old me is dead & gone.
Maybe I've just been reading too much watchmen and I wish my journal entries were as bad ass as theirs.
Oh thank you for bremerton tomorrow. How I wish I'd never have to return to you, but now you're my sanctuary. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|10:06 pm] |
I'm wayyy too tired for life today.
I've been smoking too much. And now going to be late for class. I have the worst headache.
I'm glad I have tomorrow off so I can chill.
I might be going to havana tonight and home tomorrow. I feel depressed today. Things aren't turning out like I'd hoped.
Whatever. I'm sure things will happen like they're supposed to.
Also I had the a strange dream. Like I already lived my day. It was actually pretty awesome. Things turned out perfectly. I hope my day goes as well as the dream.
I don't like being sad.
I feel like it's so much easier just to let my ego take over and let me be angry and hateful. But I'd rather live. So I have to fight it. Every bad thought that I think today has to be manually squashed, where it would normally be automatic. I'll have to try. But I'm tired and I feel weak.
I know I can do this.
Maybe its this lonely time I'm living in. At the very least, I'm strong enough to stay lonely and not go back to what is comfortable.
Try to stay alivvvee. ( In my dream I texted and all of my messages were with extra letters and they were from my friend also. Maybe for extra emphasis or just because we're cute idk.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|01:07 am] |
Here I am sitting in my tiny apartment, with this amazing view, in my tee shirt and underwear adoring the view of this vast city I live in. Just a small soul in this huge universe. My hair is up and I have whiskey coursing through my veins. My heart is beating slow. I am finally calm.
I wanted to delete my journal a couple days ago because someone thought it was a good idea to create something out of nothing. An innocent affair between two electric beings. Made into gossip. Turned into destruction against my skin and bones. My memories. I thought I was free.
I've been so separated from what I wanted that I created this gap so no currents could flow. I cut off any energy I had. I was wrong. I should have kept that channel open and I could have explored more of this beauty. But you learn from your mistakes and grow from them. I'm ready.
When I separated my heart from this abusive substance, I found solace in a wise individual whom I took advantage of. I want a redo. To feel that electricity in my palms when I think about holding hands. For him to feel that energy and love seeping from my ruined body. Not to hold back or to question but to give.
This is really about what I've learned. I'm a strong, beautiful woman. I'm crazy and immature. The choices I make are scattered and confused. I'm not confused anymore. I'm sure and strong willed. Its only my fault for experiencing the repercusions of my actions.
I want to start again. I am finally free. Now.
I'm ready. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|06:02 pm] |
I think I've really been trying to cover up how I really feel. I've never been in his position before. Not having to care. Maybe I do a little. Honestly I'm not sure what's real anymore.
The human mind is such a trap. What we're taught to believe and think is so far from how we acutally need to view this world. It's very hard not to get stuck in that mind set. Believe that eveyone is against you and you have to fight to get what you want. Or play these silly games to make someone believe you're perfect in their eyes. I want to say so many things but I know words can't fix anything.
I really like this person but I'm nervous. Why am I so afraid of being hurt? I just want to live in the moment and enjoy the beautiful eyes that talk to me instead of his lips. Silence is more comforting than noise.
Just breathe & relax.
Words are meaningless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2009|01:06 pm] |
I think I've been wayyy to worried and stressed about the decisions I feel like I should be making. Really there's no need for any of it. I'm strong and conifident and sure. Everything will happen like it's supposed to. I shouldn't feel obligated towards anyone but myself. This is such a new experience for me but I'm honestly enjoying everything about it.
I lost my license on Friday. It was with my debit card. True sign of a new beginning. I'm just not looking forward to going and getting a new one. Hopefully I can get it tomorrow before Morgan's party.
I have sooo many things I need to get done today. But I have absolutely no time for. I'm in constant motion lately. Keeping myself from thinking.
I'm also very poor lately which I think is a good thing for me. I know that when I'm ready everything will come. You can't appreciate the good without the bad.
Caffiene and manifesting are also on my mind a lot today. I've been crazy good at making things happen at the perfect time. And coffee is a strange drug. It makes me jittery and excited.
Overall tofay is goooood.
Besides the snow.
Sun and beaches and bodies plz. |
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pinkstripedtear's journal